Do you find newspapers and television off-putting?

Have you gone through any Indian newspaper recently? Recently, after a long time, I had the leisure of sitting down with a hot cup of coffee, thinking that I will pore over the day’s newspaper, leaving no piece unread like I usually do on a working day, when I am rushed. I should have felt well-read and up to date after the exercise, right? Wrong! The reading experience left me disturbed and gloomy right in the beginning of the day. The paper was full of depressing news items: rapes of minor girls and women by people who knew them, including friends, fathers and current/previous boyfriends; murders committed by minors; kidnappings carried out by teenagers to fund their affinity for gadgets, and much more. Even the most enthusiastic news reader would be scandalised when such items carried on to the national, international and sports sections: scams by politicians, match fixing charges and, more recently, Sachin Tendulkar’s imminent retirement.

I don’t know about you, but I sure do not like to know that this is the kind of world I live in. When I was in school (when reading the newspaper was a supervised action, especially on Sundays and holidays) I remember reading inspiring stories of achievement, whether corporate or personal; a column called ‘The Speaking Tree’ which talked about spirituality; OPEDs that gave insights into great minds. But above all, I remember feeling motivated and knowledgeable after going through the day’s newspaper. I don’t think that I am going to miss anything if I read a newspaper only once a month in today’s day. It will be the same old crime-reporting kind of pieces that I went through in the newspaper.

What is apparent more than anything else is that the focus is more on the gory, gossip-oriented negative happenings all around the city. The Delhi rape case and the more recent Mahalaxmi mill case has galvanised reporters all over to file stories on similar topics. As a result, I went through an entire page of atrocities suffered by women by fathers, husbands, boyfriends and friends. Television programmes and news channels are no better. There are reality shows that get the message across too literally for my comfort. And don’t even get me started on news channels that are running purely because of their loud anchors, who are always yelling into the camera and questioning a group of people in the hopes of unearthing another scam.

These cases and discussions, no doubt, raise awareness levels and sometimes even go a long way in pressurising the authorities to punish the ones responsible. Women have also pre-empted attempts in some cases by being aware of their surroundings and fighting back. However, such coverage also has another side. It got me wondering: if I had a 6-year-old daughter, would I be comfortable letting her go through the newspaper unsupervised, like my mother did? Would I restrict her TV hours, at best sitting with her to watch programmes? Wouldn’t I wonder whether such information is adding to her knowledge in any way? And most importantly, should I encourage her to look at all males in the manner that is being relayed across all media mediums today? By placing any restrictions based on my personal opinions, would I be marring her perception before she developed it on her own? Or would I be empowering her to be more aware and defensive about her surroundings?

The most I am worried about, is that such reports and readings will bring across men as a whole to a demeaning sleazy level. Because all that one reads about these days is corrupt politicians, random criminals or rapists. The regular males in our lives – the ones that open doors, love their children, are caring husbands and doting sons – never get written about anymore. They are all restricted to romantic novels and blogs that have a far lesser reach compared to newspapers. I guess they are not as newsworthy and have become quite boring.

I would rather that my children read the Calvin and Hobbes series at one go. I want them to grow up with movies like ‘Chalti ka naam gaadi’ or ‘Wake up Sid’ or ‘Chak De India’ or ‘One Fine Day’, in which men are shown as wholesome, loving and caring beings. I would have them remember that there are men who respect women, have supported their wives throughout their marriage, helped with the children, pitched in at home, and above all, deeply cared for their better/equal halves. The case studies being conducted on the lives of successful women in the Indian corporate sector deserve no small mention of the males who have supported and contributed to their growth. I am reminded at this point, of the many doting husbands I have seen waiting outside crowded (and crazy!) women’s trial rooms and giving their honest opinions (to their detriment or otherwise, I do not know ;)). I remember that my father was always a protector rather than a critic whenever we were in trouble. And I know that my husband supports me in everything I believe in, no matter how stupid it may seem. These are the men I would like my daughter to know and my son to emulate.

As usual, I think I went a little off track from where I had started. But this is my chain of thought. I doubt that we can block out these mediums completely. But can we at least focus on the positives and dwell on the goodness in everyone? If you want to go through a very well-written piece I recently read in the New York Times, you can read it here. These are the kinds of pieces that should be peppering our newspapers and reflecting on our television channels at least to some extent, if not completely. What do you think?

Cinema for the cinematography called life

You know that movie you love? The one that you don’t mind watching a zillion times? The one that you have a strange connect with? Wake up Sid was that movie for me. The movie was special for me for various reasons. I am a writer who came to Mumbai looking for a good opportunity. Professionally, it was a break from a monotonous routine at a place where the learning had stopped. Personally, I wanted to live independently and explore a new city with friends. The love story of my life was also intertwined with this experience. He was stationed at Mumbai. Whenever I would come to Mumbai, he was the one who showed me around, much the same way Sid did for Ayesha in Wake up Sid. Marine Drive, Juhu chowpati, Prithvi theatre, Churchgate-Colaba, Haji Ali are the areas that my now husband took me to. He was awesome with the camera, just like Sid. We even have the exact SAME pictures like in the movie – the feet one and me on Marine Drive. (Come to think of it, maybe I should claim copyright for the script; it seems to be based on our life :P) The flavour of Mumbai would not have been the same without those hangouts. Not would our association have blossomed into a meaningful relationship without that time spent together.

I watched Wake up Sid again recently, and was reminded of that period. I was happy, carefree, looking forward to something new, interested in someone awesome, always had a smile on my face. Not that I am not all those things now, although the smile may have become a little less frequent, what with the monotony that work life in Mumbai brings. It reminds me that relationships are important. They help you get through a life which, without friends, family and love, would be bland and meaningless. After all, my childhood would have been much less fun without my mad cap gang; I would have turned out to be a useless professional had it not been for my mom pestering me to study and work hard; I know I would have remained in the same job I was in for some time, had not my friends and hubby encouraged me to come to Mumbai and look for better opportunities; I KNOW I would have been single and miserable had I not taken the step to move here. Above all, I would not have changed or evolved as a person, like I have now, on meeting so many new people, settling down in life (so to say) by getting married to that awesome person and becoming the independent and confident  version of myself that I am currently.

What I would definitely recommend to all four of you who are reading this blog (hi maa :P) is this: watch your favourite movie once every 2-3 months. Remember why you love it. Relive the memories it conjures for you. Share them with loved ones. Get in the happy state it automatically puts you in. Not only will you smile more, like I am doing currently, but it will also remind you of the good things in life – the ones that make it all worth it. It will add just the zing you need in your days, weeks and months.

Women at work, and all that goes behind it

I just finished reading a series called “Women at Work” on the Wall Street Journal, which outlines successful women at the top of the management ladder (mostly in India). The one common theme all of them highlight is how women face that crucial stage in life, when they need to make a choice between their career and family. And going by the numbers, most of them choose the latter, opting to drop out of the workforce. This is the roadblock that most talk of overcoming for meaningful professional success. Sheryl Sandberg talks about this in her brilliant book “Lean in” too. [I was nodding my agreement for every page I turned, I think; so attuned is she in the problems women may face during or outside of the workplace]

But what about the women who do not have the even basic support from their family, let alone a career. I have a supporting family who instilled independence and the feeling that having a career is important too. I was always very… lost… for want of a better word. Career-wise, I never could answer the question of where I would be in the coming 5 years. My reasoning was: Why can’t I keep doing what I am doing, which is making me happy? When I get frustrated doing it, I will move on to something else. When will that happen? I don’t really know. I always needed to be pushed to study, to participate… Thankfully, that has not spilled over to my work life. Although my hubby seems to think I can do much more than I currently have achieved. My parents were always clear that both their daughters needed to be well-educated and independent, pushing us to excel in whatever we took up. Later on, we could take a call what we wanted to do. That support was extended after I got married too, with my husband more insistent than ever for me to follow a career that makes me happy and recognises my talent. That is part of your identity, he says. I think in a future time, he will be the one who pushes me to choose my career when I am at the crucial crossroad mentioned before. He will become the rock on my professional decisions, while I am sure to waiver.

This, at a time I am hearing of people forbidding their wives to work and do housework… Surprisingly, and contrary to popular belief, such people are not in India, but in a foreign country, clipping the wings of their better halves, not allowing them even a smatter of respect or choice. Some of my highly educated and very well-employed friends today are facing unachievable expectations from their families-in-law who force household chores and social responsibilities on their already overburdened daughters-in-law. This can become a headache and frustrate a professional woman thoroughly if they are to face it day in and day out.

If you are a male, whether in India or abroad, do yourself a favour and let your partner or your sister or your daughter or your mother make their own choice. Be encouraging, even if they ultimately choose to manage the household. There is no complicated task in the world compared to that, trust me. Because no matter how independent we get, no matter how mature and modern we are, we WILL need your support. Because you are an important part of our lives and you will be our biggest enabler. We may go on to achieve something without your support, but the joy will be lesser, the spoils not as enjoyable as they would have been, had you been alongside us.

To all the females out there struggling to notch an achievement against all odds, know that your efforts will pay off. And when you achieve what you have set out for, you will inspire others and receive the appreciation that, in your darkest hours, you thought would always elude you. And finally for those like me, who have all the support in the world, make a choice that makes you happy. For when you are happy, you repay others who know, support and love you, and rejoice in your achievements.

Want to be someone else? Think again!

I have always longed to be that perfect someone else... That long-legged elegant woman with the hour-glass figure I saw at the airport... Or that curly-haired girl with the enviable complexion who crossed the road while I was waiting at the signal... I would even have exchanged lives with that yesteryear’s model who has a killer fashion sense... I always had this image while growing up that these were the markings of a perfect life, one that would be satisfactory no matter what. But some random happenings in the past few months have made me realise that my life is perfect as it is... I am perfect as I am... (Well, apart from the laziness, which I haven’t managed to find a cure for yet)

This tendency reminds me of an advertisement in which a chain of people aspire for what others had. It starts with a young guy staring with awe when a rich bald guy passes by in an impressive car; the rich guy buys his wife a diamond necklace, which a wife passing by the display looks at envyingly; this cycle of envy goes on, involving different people, and ultimately ends with the rich guy admiring the young guy’s curly crop of hair. You can check out the ad here.

Just goes to show how people want what others have. But you cannot have just that one trait that you admire, can you? You need to imagine living THAT life. What if the tall woman at the airport was a harried professional facing office politics? What if the girl with the perfect complexion had family problems? And did a keen sense of fashion help the model deal with an abusive boyfriend?

I think most of us, including me, tend to look at the superficial picture, admiring one trait and wishing we could have that and live that person’s life. But we do not go deeper, we do not get that our life is so much better when you take the whole picture into consideration. God may have been stingy when She determined how tall I would be, but She certainly endowed me with a family that makes me feel on top of the world. I may not have the skin tone to die for, but I am a confident, outgoing personality who can chatter away for hours on any given topic... (Except engineering, medicine, biology and the likes... ugh!) And even though I prefer comfort over trend and choose the same old drab colours and styles, my hubby loves and appreciates me, making me feel awesome whatever I am wearing... (Ask me why, and I would be stumped too!)

What I mean to highlight throughout the long ramble above is: nothing is perfect... When you compare your life with someone else, consider the ugly side of the story too. While the youngster envies the businessman with the awesome car, the former would give up his car in an instant if he would be able to run a hand through his curly hair instead of looking at his bald reflection everyday. There will always be something you don’t have, some trait you aspire for, some event you are awaiting in life. However, rather than wishing you were in a different life, admire your own life for what you have NOW. Because you know what? Someone, somewhere is wishing they could be in your situation, have what you have, and BE YOU! Realise this, and you will be able to make peace with what you have. I am about to, and I am sure I am going to be happy and content in every aspect of life from now on.

Of beauty, and the beast that lies within

“Love thy neighbour as you would love yourself” is how the saying goes. But apparently, we love our neighbours more than we love ourselves. A new campaign by Dove has made it quite apparent that women in general view themselves more critically than others. Asked to describe their facial features to a sketch artist who had not seen them, each highlighted the flaws in their features predominantly (and I am guessing, subconsciously). When others described the women, they gave positive details about the same features the women themselves disliked. The resultant two sketches, although of the same woman, were radically different, with the one developed with the help of other people’s description turning out prettier and more beautiful.

I have always had this perception of beauty, so to say. I would try to define which features others would find pretty or which kind of looks would be described as beautiful by most. Time and again, I have irritated my husband until he snapped back at me that I am wrong, there is no concept like a universally beautiful person... Everyone is beautiful in their own way... And I would be like “Yeah, right!” I have had this thing with beauty... Figuring that coloured eyes, fair skin, awesome figure and a smile that would kill makes a girl beautiful. I mean Aishwarya Rai would turn heads if she walked down the road, wouldn’t she? However, I have often had trouble getting people to agree with me. Some of them have the audacity to say Mrs Rai Bachchan is not that pretty (including, I suspect, that hubby of mine!)

But that campaign from Dove touched a cord in my heart, which I think has happened with women all over the world, from the looks of how viral it has gone. It has shown me that people notice and remember the good over the bad. They will probably not remember that your eyebrows were skewed, but will notice that the colour of your eyes was light brown, and your eyes lit up the moment you talked about your passion.

I remember sometimes pestering my hubby over how dark I was, secretly wishing for his reassurance that I was okay. Every few weeks, I keep asking him to explain why, out of a million others, he selected me to spend his life, exasperating him. But I guess it comes from a deep rooted perception of beauty I have had. Rating myself on the features I described above brought my score to zero most of the times.

However, this campaign has made me realise that I am beautiful in my own way, and that the perception I had was horribly wrong and distorted. I should probably see myself as my husband sees me; as my mother describes me to others; as my father remembers me always; as my child will see me in the coming future.

Maybe now I can accept compliments with grace rather than brush them away as exaggerations like I always do. Maybe I can believe my better half when he says that I am looking awesomely pretty (invariably when I am having a good hair day, but shhhhhh!) And most importantly, maybe I will be able to focus on the better aspects of my features than the ones I dislike.

Here’s a toast to all the beautiful women out there, each and every one of them. May you discover your beauty and slay the beast within that prevents you from doing so. And may you find people that remind you that you are beautiful every day of your life J

PS – Click here for the video if you haven’t seen it yet.

Of innocence and the loss of it…

I read this somewhere recently: “People are terrible things. Put enough of them together and havoc will be wreaked” Until recently, I would have vehemently defended the fact that there are good people, good always wins over bad, people get what they deserve et al. I have spent a considerable time arguing with my better half, who insists that most people on this earth are morons, who will screw you over every time they get a chance, and that you are supposed to protect yourself from the dark underbelly of humanity that they form. I had this belief that people usually pay for what actions they take on this earth; they cannot leave without receiving the suitable punishment for evil they have perpetrated during their lifetime. I used to imagine different scenarios for all the rascals out there: getting disabled in accidents, suffering a long bed-ridden life before eventually dying with no one at their side, etc. etc…

However, recent phenomena have changed my belief. I know a lot has been written about the horrific Delhi rape and murder case, so wont be going into too much detail. My purpose is not to provide graphic details to an incident, which I cannot even imagine happening with anyone remotely connected to me. My purpose is to decry the happenings of today, and mourn what some of our species are capable of.

Hearing the details of what happened to that girl in 40 minutes—I keep imagining what I was doing in that time… probably some mundane activity like having dinner, watching TV or just messing around with my sister—is more than horrifying… If just hearing the gruesome details makes our stomachs turn, what would the poor girl have gone through? And more importantly, if the people who perpetrated the crime were lower middle class people, similar to people who work in our homes, guard them, drive us around and do chores, who is to differentiate the monsters from the good people?

That is not to say that such people come from a particular class. In the weeks after the rape and eventual death of the extraordinarily courageous girl, the newspapers were full of similar cases all around the country. Maybe such incidents were going on since quite some time; however, the national outcry that resulted post this particularly vicious act encouraged the media to highlight the going ons all around the country. The only difference was, the rapists in these cases were like you and me, people from educated backgrounds, rich kids in their teens or early twenties who thought nothing of raping their object of affection and strangling/putting them on fire/deploying any other horrific way of killing. The media’s tendency to highlight such incidents was so predictable that I thought twice before picking up the morning paper in fear of what new detail I would come across.

The incident has destroyed something for me, maybe for all of us. With many children today asking what ‘rape’ means, our coming generation may be losing the innocence that is so precious in defining their childhood. With mothers warning their toddlers not to go with any unknown ‘uncle’ and fathers holding on to their precious ones more tightly, I do not see the child’s innocence returning too soon. I have also lost faith in my belief that people pay for their acts in their current lives. The girl who died did not deserve to die like that. And the ones who did that to her cannot have a cruel enough death to pay for what they did.

Hopefully, there is a God up there who is watching… Observing what Her creations are turning out to be… And frantically thinking of what to do to stop these atrocities. Because if She isn’t, well… I can’t even say “God help us all!”