Arranging a love marriage or loving an arranged marriage?

I bet one of the thoughts that popped into your head when you read the title was ‘Oh no! Not another love versus arranged marriage discussionnnnn!!!’ The issue of love versus arranged marriage has been discussed and contemplated on time and again, and the point of this post is not to highlight the pros and cons of each. ‘Then what is it?!?!’ I can hear at least some of you screaming in your head. Ok, ok calm down, I am getting to it.

As a 29-year-old Gujarati girl, my world today is full of family, relatives, aunties and aunties who are family relatives coming up to me at random community functions and parties saying ‘So, when are you inviting us to your wedding?’ To which I sweetly reply ‘Everything is all set. You just need to find a groom for me.’ I mean it as a rude, diversion-creating comment that somehow never penetrates the foggy heads having that conversation with me. I mean, am I your responsibility? No. Does my getting hitched mean the world to you? No. Do I even know your name? Err… yes, I think… no, wait… do I? Then why would you bother yourself with such details of my life. But I am again deviating from the point here.

First, let’s get the ‘love’ issue sorted, shall we? Falling in love doesn’t come easy. For all of you who have found your soul mate in school, college, office, party, random coffee house or on the road and think you can bear to be with him/her for the rest of your life, go to the temple/church/mosque/gurudwara/any-other-sacred-place and thank God for his mercy. Cause not everyone is that lucky. And whoever said ‘Love truly and it will come back to you’ is an idiot and should be kicked where it hurts the most. True love is not always returned in the kalyug that we have come to live in, and you know it! Taking the time to know someone, accepting their faults and still loving them is a best-case-scenario if you are looking for a life partner. However, I have not been fortunate enough to be graced with such a person because, you know, God just doesn’t do me such favours in life.

Now for the arranged set-up. After millions of meetings with prospective grooms—ok, it was not THAT huge a number, but felt like it anyways—in a typical Gujju setting, which is awkward to say the least, I have still not found Mr. Perfect. Does that mean there is a dearth of decent guys in the so-called matrimonial market? (FYI, I always cringe when matrimony is used with the word ‘market’) Or does it mean that my choice is so specific that no one fits in my definition of perfect? I believe it’s neither. The environment that I was brought up in and the independence I have achieved in life has a lot to do with my decisions in this area of life. I just haven’t come across a person who makes me say ‘Ok, you are my type… Let’s give it a shot’. Well, someone who agrees with me anyways ;). According to me, the decision making process, which is going to affect the coming 50 years of my life—if I manage to live those many years, that is—depends on a varied number of factors. These factors have changed drastically in the past 20 years.

Factors to consider 20 years ago:

Education: check

Job: check

Family: check

DONE DEAL!!

Factors to consider now:

Education: check

Job: check

Family: check

Income: check

Home: check

Looks: check

Religion: check

Caste: check

Background: check

City he lives in: check

Upbringing: check

Nature: check

Whether in joint family: check

32 teeth in his mouth: check

Manglik factor that can kill me: awww… you JUST missed the cut!

Ok. I might have made up the last couple of them.

The jokers who do make the cut turn out to be just that: JOKERS! But the point is, you just have to be sure about ‘the one’. Till now I have not been sure about anyone. Nor do I know the exact process of ensuring that I reach that stage. I am just taking it as it comes. If any of you know how to spot/search for/zoom in on the perfect person, let me know and I will bow to your significant knowledge. If you waste my time with useless ideas, however, you will be suitably punished.

Here’s hoping that all of us clueless souls out here meet our so-called soulmates painlessly and in time. We can then give them pain for not meeting us sooner…

PS - For stomach-crunchingly hilarious stories involving the aforementioned jokers, contact the under-signed.

PPS - This was written quite some months ago. For those who do not know, I have found my Mr. Perfect now, and am paining his happiness suitably, thank you very much :)

Two sides of the same coin

She’s two years younger than me. We have the same DNA handed down to us by our parents. We have grown up in the same environment, with the same set of values. We have had a balanced upbringing in the same home.

However, we cannot be more different, be it temperament, choices, habits or personality. Whereas she likes to express her thoughts freely, I think twice before speaking. While she prefers colourful outfits, I am more conservative in my selection. She is a complete desi when it comes to cuisine, whereas I prefer a western menu. She will preserve a new buy for a special occasion or save an exotic chocolate for sometime later. I, on the other hand, dive right in, whether it is an outfit or a rare treat. She can spend 20 bucks on a taxi everyday, but refuses flat out to spend 600 bucks on a meal. I prefer travelling in a bus so that I can offset the expense of eating out once or twice a month. She is similar to my mom, while I tend to tilt towards my dad in habits. (You may come to the conclusion that my parents are totally contradictory in nature as well. You may probably also be right in that, but that’s a different story altogether.)

These, and a million other habits, choices and characteristic traits mark a remarkable difference between me and my younger sibling. Such marked contrast reminds me sometimes of two sides of a coin straining against each other to go in different directions, unable to do so due to the metal that binds them together.

We must have had a million fights in our 26 years together. Whether we are together or apart, we have the ability to tick each other off without a second’s notice. Constant nagging or difference of opinion on a trivial matter can have us pulling at each other’s hair—literally! A friend of hers was amazed and was left gaping at us when we had such a fight a few years ago while I was visiting her in the US. When we met at the beginning of my trip, we were nothing but love and smiles for each other. Under the heady effect of three years of pent up affection for each other, we exchanged a few pairs of earrings – one of our most sacred possessions that the other was not allowed to even look at, let alone touch. At the end of two months though, our so-called love frayed at the edges when we re-exchanged—I know I coined a new word here—the earrings after a huge fight. The video her friend has taken of the re-exchange has him in splits till this date!

Our childhood has been marked by numerous mini-wars, which my mom diffused sometimes with the help of our high and mighty dad, who rarely interfered, and whose judgement, when asked for, was considered final. At some of the most frustrating points in time, she mockingly regretted having two kids, wondering how households with more than two kids endured the horrors that went on within.

Today, when Ronak is with me day in and day out after a gap of nearly 8 years, the difference in personality is more obvious to me than it was before. However, our opposite temperament is actually helping us balance our work and personal life perfectly. She haggles for the 2 bucks from the vegetable vendor and I arrange for a perfect day out on the weekend. In a get together with friends, she becomes the star of the evening, whereas I balance stuff out by actually listening to conversations ;). I like doing the dishes while she likes cooking. A few years ago we would kill—well, nearly kill—the other for borrowing accessories or clothes without permission. Today, we share stuff willingly, sometimes even buying stuff we think the other will like.

And more prominently than ever before, we realise that no matter how much we haggle among ourselves, our affection and care over-rides everything else. And more than ever before, I am glad that my parents decided to have two kids. I do not know what I would have done as an only child, where the fun in my life would have come from or whom I would have beaten up while growing up. This one’s for Ronak, without whom my life would have been incomplete and boring, to say the least. 

This one goes out to you Rons. Happy birthday sis :)

PS – Do you see the devil sitting in the corner there, smirking that a post has been dedicated to her? Yup, that would be my sister.