This is a resolution you really need to make

The new year brought with it the promise of a brighter future ahead for me. However, the end of last year and the beginning of this one also brought home the realisation that some treasured people in my life are not going to be there with me in the coming years. At least physically, that is. The death of two very near and dear ones in that period also reminded me of my beloved Anna, who I always remember on a Sunday, thinking of how she would have said my name in that typical bright, loving way she used to. Losing loved ones and the thought of missing them in the future has brought about a profound 'aha' moment for me in the past few month... About what is really important in life. About what I would remember when I would be closing my eyes for the last time. It's not money; it's not home; it's not a perfect figure or flawless skin, nor is it that promotion that is long overdue. It's none of the things that we constantly seem to be striving for in life but never achieving. It is ONLY the love of your most beloved people. These may not only consist of family (God knows that the meaning of the word has changed completely from what it was originally supposed to mean) The people who love you unconditionally, respect you, would do anything for you and for whom you would do the same - those are the people you need to treasure. That is the wealth we all need to be working towards in our life. And that, in my 'aha' moment, is what I realised I wish for on my death bed.

Having closely witnessed death in its totality and observing the sheer desolation it leaves the family in, I KNOW that when I go, I want to be surrounded by the people I truely love, and who in turn, adore me. They may not be hundreds of mourners at my funeral; I will be content with three or four people who will genuinely be disconsolate at losing me. These will be the people who will remember the good times we had and the memories we made in the time we spent together. Just like I do with Anna. And just like I know the two recently departed souls are experiencing from up there.

I know thinking about the end of life is not an ideal way to begin the year. But this is not in the sad, depressed or macabre association that is always made with death. This my friend, is a realisation that will make me treasure, love and be happy with the things and people who really matter in my life. It will make me let go of the small things that bother and stress me out. It will, ultimately, result in a better me, trying to live my life in the most meaningful way... That way, when this human life ends, I will not regret squandering this precious time of mine on useless issues or people. Maybe this can double as my new year resolution.

So to all of you that this blog reaches out to, I say this: show your most valuable people how much they mean to you... If you are hesitating in telling someone how much you love them, throw caution to the wind; in the end, you may regret NOT expressing yourself rather that the other way around. But beyond everything, spend your precious moments in this world with the people who matter - those whom you genuinely love and care for - and whatever activity it is that makes you the happiest. That is the only way you will make the most of this great gift of human life you have been endowed with.

Do you find newspapers and television off-putting?

Have you gone through any Indian newspaper recently? Recently, after a long time, I had the leisure of sitting down with a hot cup of coffee, thinking that I will pore over the day’s newspaper, leaving no piece unread like I usually do on a working day, when I am rushed. I should have felt well-read and up to date after the exercise, right? Wrong! The reading experience left me disturbed and gloomy right in the beginning of the day. The paper was full of depressing news items: rapes of minor girls and women by people who knew them, including friends, fathers and current/previous boyfriends; murders committed by minors; kidnappings carried out by teenagers to fund their affinity for gadgets, and much more. Even the most enthusiastic news reader would be scandalised when such items carried on to the national, international and sports sections: scams by politicians, match fixing charges and, more recently, Sachin Tendulkar’s imminent retirement.

I don’t know about you, but I sure do not like to know that this is the kind of world I live in. When I was in school (when reading the newspaper was a supervised action, especially on Sundays and holidays) I remember reading inspiring stories of achievement, whether corporate or personal; a column called ‘The Speaking Tree’ which talked about spirituality; OPEDs that gave insights into great minds. But above all, I remember feeling motivated and knowledgeable after going through the day’s newspaper. I don’t think that I am going to miss anything if I read a newspaper only once a month in today’s day. It will be the same old crime-reporting kind of pieces that I went through in the newspaper.

What is apparent more than anything else is that the focus is more on the gory, gossip-oriented negative happenings all around the city. The Delhi rape case and the more recent Mahalaxmi mill case has galvanised reporters all over to file stories on similar topics. As a result, I went through an entire page of atrocities suffered by women by fathers, husbands, boyfriends and friends. Television programmes and news channels are no better. There are reality shows that get the message across too literally for my comfort. And don’t even get me started on news channels that are running purely because of their loud anchors, who are always yelling into the camera and questioning a group of people in the hopes of unearthing another scam.

These cases and discussions, no doubt, raise awareness levels and sometimes even go a long way in pressurising the authorities to punish the ones responsible. Women have also pre-empted attempts in some cases by being aware of their surroundings and fighting back. However, such coverage also has another side. It got me wondering: if I had a 6-year-old daughter, would I be comfortable letting her go through the newspaper unsupervised, like my mother did? Would I restrict her TV hours, at best sitting with her to watch programmes? Wouldn’t I wonder whether such information is adding to her knowledge in any way? And most importantly, should I encourage her to look at all males in the manner that is being relayed across all media mediums today? By placing any restrictions based on my personal opinions, would I be marring her perception before she developed it on her own? Or would I be empowering her to be more aware and defensive about her surroundings?

The most I am worried about, is that such reports and readings will bring across men as a whole to a demeaning sleazy level. Because all that one reads about these days is corrupt politicians, random criminals or rapists. The regular males in our lives – the ones that open doors, love their children, are caring husbands and doting sons – never get written about anymore. They are all restricted to romantic novels and blogs that have a far lesser reach compared to newspapers. I guess they are not as newsworthy and have become quite boring.

I would rather that my children read the Calvin and Hobbes series at one go. I want them to grow up with movies like ‘Chalti ka naam gaadi’ or ‘Wake up Sid’ or ‘Chak De India’ or ‘One Fine Day’, in which men are shown as wholesome, loving and caring beings. I would have them remember that there are men who respect women, have supported their wives throughout their marriage, helped with the children, pitched in at home, and above all, deeply cared for their better/equal halves. The case studies being conducted on the lives of successful women in the Indian corporate sector deserve no small mention of the males who have supported and contributed to their growth. I am reminded at this point, of the many doting husbands I have seen waiting outside crowded (and crazy!) women’s trial rooms and giving their honest opinions (to their detriment or otherwise, I do not know ;)). I remember that my father was always a protector rather than a critic whenever we were in trouble. And I know that my husband supports me in everything I believe in, no matter how stupid it may seem. These are the men I would like my daughter to know and my son to emulate.

As usual, I think I went a little off track from where I had started. But this is my chain of thought. I doubt that we can block out these mediums completely. But can we at least focus on the positives and dwell on the goodness in everyone? If you want to go through a very well-written piece I recently read in the New York Times, you can read it here. These are the kinds of pieces that should be peppering our newspapers and reflecting on our television channels at least to some extent, if not completely. What do you think?

Cinema for the cinematography called life

You know that movie you love? The one that you don’t mind watching a zillion times? The one that you have a strange connect with? Wake up Sid was that movie for me. The movie was special for me for various reasons. I am a writer who came to Mumbai looking for a good opportunity. Professionally, it was a break from a monotonous routine at a place where the learning had stopped. Personally, I wanted to live independently and explore a new city with friends. The love story of my life was also intertwined with this experience. He was stationed at Mumbai. Whenever I would come to Mumbai, he was the one who showed me around, much the same way Sid did for Ayesha in Wake up Sid. Marine Drive, Juhu chowpati, Prithvi theatre, Churchgate-Colaba, Haji Ali are the areas that my now husband took me to. He was awesome with the camera, just like Sid. We even have the exact SAME pictures like in the movie – the feet one and me on Marine Drive. (Come to think of it, maybe I should claim copyright for the script; it seems to be based on our life :P) The flavour of Mumbai would not have been the same without those hangouts. Not would our association have blossomed into a meaningful relationship without that time spent together.

I watched Wake up Sid again recently, and was reminded of that period. I was happy, carefree, looking forward to something new, interested in someone awesome, always had a smile on my face. Not that I am not all those things now, although the smile may have become a little less frequent, what with the monotony that work life in Mumbai brings. It reminds me that relationships are important. They help you get through a life which, without friends, family and love, would be bland and meaningless. After all, my childhood would have been much less fun without my mad cap gang; I would have turned out to be a useless professional had it not been for my mom pestering me to study and work hard; I know I would have remained in the same job I was in for some time, had not my friends and hubby encouraged me to come to Mumbai and look for better opportunities; I KNOW I would have been single and miserable had I not taken the step to move here. Above all, I would not have changed or evolved as a person, like I have now, on meeting so many new people, settling down in life (so to say) by getting married to that awesome person and becoming the independent and confident  version of myself that I am currently.

What I would definitely recommend to all four of you who are reading this blog (hi maa :P) is this: watch your favourite movie once every 2-3 months. Remember why you love it. Relive the memories it conjures for you. Share them with loved ones. Get in the happy state it automatically puts you in. Not only will you smile more, like I am doing currently, but it will also remind you of the good things in life – the ones that make it all worth it. It will add just the zing you need in your days, weeks and months.

Women at work, and all that goes behind it

I just finished reading a series called “Women at Work” on the Wall Street Journal, which outlines successful women at the top of the management ladder (mostly in India). The one common theme all of them highlight is how women face that crucial stage in life, when they need to make a choice between their career and family. And going by the numbers, most of them choose the latter, opting to drop out of the workforce. This is the roadblock that most talk of overcoming for meaningful professional success. Sheryl Sandberg talks about this in her brilliant book “Lean in” too. [I was nodding my agreement for every page I turned, I think; so attuned is she in the problems women may face during or outside of the workplace]

But what about the women who do not have the even basic support from their family, let alone a career. I have a supporting family who instilled independence and the feeling that having a career is important too. I was always very… lost… for want of a better word. Career-wise, I never could answer the question of where I would be in the coming 5 years. My reasoning was: Why can’t I keep doing what I am doing, which is making me happy? When I get frustrated doing it, I will move on to something else. When will that happen? I don’t really know. I always needed to be pushed to study, to participate… Thankfully, that has not spilled over to my work life. Although my hubby seems to think I can do much more than I currently have achieved. My parents were always clear that both their daughters needed to be well-educated and independent, pushing us to excel in whatever we took up. Later on, we could take a call what we wanted to do. That support was extended after I got married too, with my husband more insistent than ever for me to follow a career that makes me happy and recognises my talent. That is part of your identity, he says. I think in a future time, he will be the one who pushes me to choose my career when I am at the crucial crossroad mentioned before. He will become the rock on my professional decisions, while I am sure to waiver.

This, at a time I am hearing of people forbidding their wives to work and do housework… Surprisingly, and contrary to popular belief, such people are not in India, but in a foreign country, clipping the wings of their better halves, not allowing them even a smatter of respect or choice. Some of my highly educated and very well-employed friends today are facing unachievable expectations from their families-in-law who force household chores and social responsibilities on their already overburdened daughters-in-law. This can become a headache and frustrate a professional woman thoroughly if they are to face it day in and day out.

If you are a male, whether in India or abroad, do yourself a favour and let your partner or your sister or your daughter or your mother make their own choice. Be encouraging, even if they ultimately choose to manage the household. There is no complicated task in the world compared to that, trust me. Because no matter how independent we get, no matter how mature and modern we are, we WILL need your support. Because you are an important part of our lives and you will be our biggest enabler. We may go on to achieve something without your support, but the joy will be lesser, the spoils not as enjoyable as they would have been, had you been alongside us.

To all the females out there struggling to notch an achievement against all odds, know that your efforts will pay off. And when you achieve what you have set out for, you will inspire others and receive the appreciation that, in your darkest hours, you thought would always elude you. And finally for those like me, who have all the support in the world, make a choice that makes you happy. For when you are happy, you repay others who know, support and love you, and rejoice in your achievements.